Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Living in what perception.

So yesterday, i did something bad.

Sebenarnya, aku pon pelik..In what perception that people used to call me someone that can inspire others?

Dira letak nama anak dia 'aishah', in commemorating my strengths katanya. Wan kama letak nama anak dia aishah, akak tgkt 12, i already forget her name, letak aishah too. Akak nak dia jd mcm awak.

No. its derived from saidatina aishah. siti aishah is no one. But i just kept quite.  

I get so overwhelmed by mom's emotion. That's what i've been telling my closed friends that, i'm so afraid of my ending. 

Can u imagine that i'll die in tragic ways after struggling so hard to cope with everything and at last. I got none...? 

That's the problem. That's the problem. People used to have kind of perception that i am doing so well everytime. Jaga mak sakit ini, bukan senang. I have to handle housechores, my assignments, exams, urut mak setiap kali dia sakit, oh that's not include that she got sick all of sudden at 1 am okeyyy... I have to standby all the time. 

So, penat. YYYEEEESS penat. 

But, i'm telling myself each time that i got hurt. Allah is with me all the time. 

But, emotion is disastrous. 

If ur telling me that i got no friends. Yeah, sort of. I made them vanish in their own way, so i have only few closed friends. But, they got no idea of my kind of tribulation. I am the one who laugh a lot, made silly, stupid jokes all the time. 

I'm not telling that i'm exhausted and wanted to run from this. 

I'm just afraid what is my ending. 

Syaitan boleh swing aku in split of seconds. Just like that. 

Because people doesnt know my struggle, and they judge. So, i made a decision to meet psychiatrist. 

and i did. 

So, he (my doctor) said that.. dont do this alone. Ur not alone. 

Well, in physical state, u can see i'm all alone. I'm dying of this. 

But, actually i'm not. saya cuma menunggu masa bila pertolongan Allah tiba. Iman bergoncang dan jiwa meronta. 

ok, tu saja. i'm sick of this. this feeling is so overwhelmed. 

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

The Suicide Trend.

Deaths shouldnt get a happy reaction for all of us. Regardless of our faiths (religion). and so, Kim Jong Hyun was found dead on 18 dec, leaving the Kpop fans mourning and devastated. 
If only he knew that his life is not end on top of the pitfalls. 

If only he knew what ties that will keep his safe and calm. 

If he knew that. 

Depression can kill. 

I was depressed too. I was tragically depressed. And people around me took advantage on that, made me as a scapegoat. Then, i realized. I need to control myself, help myself. Others can do NOTHING. 

Even i am a muslim, was born with Islam, I struggle so hard to find eternity. and this success is only when i remember Him. 

Malay culture is the worst, compared with my chinese, indians friends on HSBC. Oh, let alone my malay friends on HSBC. They were really genuine. 

But, i'm talking of the general issue of malays. 
Orang berjaya lebih sikit, caras!
Depan2 baik, pijak semut x mati. 
Konon tumpang gembira, tapi.., haram. 

You know what i made to stay and fight all over again? 

I talked to Allah a lot. Really a lotttt. With lot of doa, with lot of complaints. Did you know that we can complaint to Allah? 

Did u know that 3 pious men that trapped in a cave?The link of the story is here.  http://hani51.blogspot.my/2012/06/kisah-3-pemuda-terperangkap-di-dalam.html

So, i tell Allah a lot for what i did. and i asked Allah, is my position is salvageable ? 

I took myself from time to time, to get closed with Him. Sebenarnya i kesian kat dorang, dorang mcm x ada ikatan yg menarik dorang supaya bertahan. 

I concern of the non muslims who died in tragic ways. Including any other cause of deaths. 
I'm thinking, what would be my answer in front of Allah later? when my non muslims friends will say, "oh,.aisha didn't portray the image of Islam well, how can i be attracted to islam? She didn't even asked me to know what Islam is!"

He said, I pray that u dont get hurt. You'll be happy. Well, someone said that on a shinee website



Jujur la kan, I cant imagine my life without Islam. I cant imagine my life without the love of Allah and Rasulullah. I cant.. so thats why i bertahan. The companions made me strong too. 

Because i know there wont be any people to read this, although.. adalah dulu kawan2 lama yg selalu tggu post blog ini. But i believe, there would be no waiting to read this. I'm writing this because i wont appease till i post this. I totally feel bad for them.
I totally feel affinity towards humanity. The only makes us difference is our FAITH. Akidah kita. Tuhan kita. 

I just cant imagine how Rasulullah had to face, loving us before we even existed in this world! Well, he wasn't oblivious man. He was so.. i dunno. urgh, this feeling is bad. 


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Apa sangat dugaan aku dibandingkan anak2 palestin, syria yaman..

tulisan arab surat albaqarah ayat 214Aku adalah anak bongsu, lahir dpd keluarga tak tidak bahagia. Waktu lagu "keluarga bahagia " berkumandang di tv, radio..aku sering berdoa pada Allah. 'Ya Allah, cepatlah hamba membesar..hidup sbg seorang anak yg sering dipukul, didera, terlalu perit. Hidup kami umpama hambanya abdi' cuma tak dijemur bawah terik matahari je time tu. Tapi bila tetkenang waktu skg, aku rasakan itu umpama mimpi. Tapi, aku untung, mak ada di sisi.. Jadi lagu "senyuman ibunda.. Kasih yg dibawa, ikatan terbina. Wujudlah keluarga bahagia, oh bahagia"
Oh ya, lagu itu sangat relevan bg aku. 
Pada waktu itu, aku jd bersemangat utk membesar sbg anak yg berjaya. Yang akan membela nasib mak ketika tua..
Sama seperti abang-abang dan kakak aku dulu. Kita semua sepakat, cakap nak bela mak, nak sayamg mak, balik kerja akan cari mak..tapi sayang, aisha tak mampu nak pujuk hati-hati abang yg terleka dek dunia. 
Waktu kita kecil dulu, bangah, bancik selalu sebut..adik lahir waktu arwah along pergi tinggalkan mak. Mak habis je pantang, aalinv meninggal. Along dulu pon suka agama.. Habis solat dia mesti akan baca kitab. Mirip tafsir al azhar, tp kitab along dlm jawi. Along pergi tahun 1991, usia 9 tahun. Impak along besar buat kami 4 beradik, kita sepakat kata nak berjaya demi membela nasib mak..sayang seribu kali sayang..aisha tak pernah salahkan abang-abang sepanjang aisha habiskan masa dengan mak. Sbb ini demi aisha juga, di akhirat nanti..Allah akan tanya, masa hidupmu dulu, apa yg kau habiskan? Insyaallah. Aisha ada jawapan. 

No, aisha tak tinggalkan abang-abang sepanjang tempoh ini. Doa aisha sentiasa mengiringi..cuma, yelah, aisha tak rasa abang-abang aisha ingat adik dia yg dah anak dara tua ini. 

Bangah, bancik..
Kenang lah waktu dulu apabila kita pernah hopeless dan tak mampu huat apa-apa demi mak. Skg, bila Allah dah beri nikmat..kenapa lupa? 
Rezeki Allah tak pernah kurang. Tak pernah sikit. Sebab kita hambanya yg Maha Kaya. 
Waktu atap rumah tercabut tahun lps, aisha tinggal berdua dgn mak. Apa-apa boleh jadi..Maha suci Allah, seminggu kami hidup tanpa elektrik, orang nak pecah masuk pon boleh. Maha suci Allah. Selamat, tak ada jatuh ditimpa tangga. Tp sayang, abang-abang aisha tak call pon tanya aisha, okey ke tidak. Sebenarnya, dah lama aisha merajuk, tapi aisha pendan
 ALLAH teman terbaik...Rasulullah seolah-olah memandang aisha dari jauh. Itu buatkan aisha kuat dan kuat lagi
 Ada tak korang tanya, ada tak lelaki confess cakap nak kau sha? 
Tak pernah kan? Korang takut kalau aisha kawen kan? 
Takpe, dah lama aisha bg tau Allah, aisha insyaallah akan sentiasa menjadi lilin demi mak. Aisha lahir waktu along pergi tinggalkan mak. Sakit itu sementara, kegemilangan selamanya. Dunia ini sementara,akhirat kekal selamanya. 
Untuk itu, aisha pilih ayat al baqarah 214...
“Apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk surga, padahal belum datang kepadamu (cobaan) sebagaimana halnya orang-orang terdahulu sebelum kamu? Mereka ditimpa oleh malapetaka dan kesengsaraan, serta digoncangkan (dengan bermacam-macam cobaan) sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman bersamanya: ‘Bilakah datangnya pertolongan Allah.’ Ingatlah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu amat dekat. (QS. Al-Baqarah: 214)
Allah swt. berfirman: am hasibtum an tadkhulul jannata (“Apakah kamu mengira bahwa kamu akan masuk surga.”) Sebelum kamu diuji dan dicoba, sebagaimana yang Allah Ta’ala timpakan kepada orang-orang yang sebelum kamu. Oleh karena itu, Dia pun berfirman: wa lammaa ya’tikum matsalul ladziina khalau min qablikum massatHumul ba’saa-u wadl-dlarraa-u (“Padahal belum datang kepadamu [cobaan] sebagaimana halnya orang-orang terdahulu sebelum kamu? Mereka ditimpa oleh malapetaka dan kesengsaraan.”) Yaitu berupa berbagai macam penyakit, musibah, dan cobaan.”)

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Rindu Ann

Rindu ann sampai demam........


Masa first time berpisah ngn ann, masa tu aisha tumpang rumah kakak dekat pjya, dia blok sebelah. Stay dengan mak, and abg dia..

Waktu 3 pagi terjaga, buka phone, tgk gambar lepak dgn ann. kata je mana masa tu,..Bangi, kajang, cyberjaya, pjaya smpi naik boat dekat Presint 3 tu.. hmm that was the moment that i could feel the attachment.

Aisha tak penah feel attachment mcm tu dengan mana2 kawan, dari dia zaman kanak2 sampai la dewasa.

Ann adalah yg first.

Dah berapa tahun aisha tak jumpa ann? Almost setahun mungkin. Last masa wayang #adiwiraku.

Its so hard to tell your heart that u can hold this but actually u cant.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

aisha dan an

kami bukan seperti joe phlizzow dan malique.

kami hanya lah an dan aisha. 


So nanti kan, kalau aisha pindah KL. huhuh. hmm takde kot cenggini.

Plan utk pindah kerja dan menetap di area sana mmg ada. Cuma, tawaran tu lah. Tak kunjung tiba lagi.

An ni kaki auta. yang si aisha ni kaki sambung. memang layan ah. Duduk kat mamak 3 jam pon mmg rilek jer. Pastu minah ni plak tak attach dgn telefon, mmg geng ah..

Kafe buka order utk makanan pkul 7pm, tapi ktorg datang lepak pkul 5pm.. lps tu boleh minum air jer. An pulak mintak nuget ayam, frenchfries, keropok lekor, pisang goreng.. mana ada mnde alah tu.. tak wujud dalam penswastaan menu dorang pon. Lagi2 dorg kata boleh order air je kan?

hmm an an. Ini mmg sgt an.

Lagi pon, kitorg banyak bnde boleh share. Kitorg dekat2 dapat gelaran maksu. Kitorg buat degree sama2. tapi U lain. Aisha finance, An accounting.

Tahap serius nya an ni berbelanja ialah, dia sangat organized!

Beza rm0.10 antara speedmart dgn Darussalam pon dia trace, Dia mmg giler kaki jimat. Pencinta duit serta kaki jimat. Kalau tanya ann suka apa? 
'An tak kisah, an makan jer asalkan tak pedas. Tapi. an suka duit.' dgn nada yg serius. hmm

Bagusla! Robert Kuok pon start berjimat dan jual barangan dapur sejak usia 12 tahun. Sekarang, daru segi agriculture, bangunan, saham.. semua dia ada, dan berbisnes. Hebat bukan? 
Ini kalau an tau, mau mata dia terbuntang. haha. sebab tak pernah ada kesempatan nak bercerita dkt dia. 

Lagi pon minah ni malas baca sikit, dia suka kira.. kira duit. kira itu, kira ini. 

An cerita, dia start suka mengira dari zaman dia kanak2. Dia selalu tunggu ayah dia, lps tu sambil tunggu, dia akn kira kerusi dekat restoran2 tu dan total kan dan kira lagi sampai dia puas. Mcm aisha plak, dia suka puzzle, maths ni adalah struggle la. Tahun akhir diploma baru dapat feel dan momentum ke arah financing. Aneh.
                                                                *********************
I just wanna share this video, it makes me remember the old days. pakai topi bangah, try to imitate them. Zaman tu bankface tak wujud lagii. heheh. i just can't  stick with one favourite singer or band.. bcz i find that each of them has their own personality and creativity.

Tapi siang tadi dpt link lagu apa khabar_Joe Flizzow tu mmg sedih la. Tacing beb. Dah la. layan.