Saturday, February 11, 2017

The Detrimental Love

I kept asking my mom on what am I need to write to reach to my young readers, that I would target the young audience and to be able to attract their attention to fill their dreams on future ahead. I wish that I can tell to my adik-adik that dreams is not only restricted into be a professional career when you grow older. It is more to be able to contribute to your family, parents, society in the community and how you would tell to your adik-adik too later on when you see a bigger picture as a grown up man.

I was growing up with the inspiration Prof Hamka gave in me when I was still unable to read complicated book, but somehow I chase my dream to be able to read Tafsir Al Azhar when I grow up, and I did and I still struggling for ample time to read it until the last Jilid.
He inspired me to be a dreamer. Although that I was born in 90, and clearly that he had gone before I was born. It is his book that made me acknowledge him. I am truly inspired by a writer just like him. Moving forward by his inspiration, I was an enthusiastic student for making any short story on ‘Detrimental Love” since I was in High school. I wrote novel too when I was quite bored and I passed it to my friends and it turned out a phenomenon in my school.
The love story that I wrote was an eloquent love that would be happen to us in 10 years later. A man or woman would seek a love to fill the emptiness within themselves, so they are aggressively seek the mutual understanding on love and what foremost is falling in love. Imagine a 13 year old girl was an author for that. Quite sneaky huh?
Since I was writing this “Detrimental of Love” when I was thirteen, I just thought recently that I need to write back as a grown up woman whom still haven’t have an official soul partner yet.
I don’t need to re write the dialogue between the characters, between Haryati and Ibrahim. Wow, the name itself seems so legit. I can’t help myself right now because I keep on laughing whenever I remember my English teacher laughed so hard when I send this to his room.
The thirteen year old author was a reserved student, she still the same one until now that she choose who seems that can be comfortable to speak her thoughts. She spent most of her time to write a novel or cerpen for love story that inspire the love is real. However, prince charming is not really real in her point of view since she was younger. The love beween Haryati and Ibrahim found was treacherous, you know what does it mean?
It means that the love that they gained was pointless even before they had an official relationship. They were so in need for each other, but they forgot one thing. Their parents blessing. The love that seems happy and such, that when Haryati’s mother object her choice, she end up running towards Ibrahim and asked him to take her away. Away from the madness and yes, love story is all about that. It was my idea when I was clearly out of blue what shape the marriage and such!
But after all their turbulence paid off, Haryati found that Ibrahim wasn’t the same person that she chased for. He is agony, rash, selfish and all, she found that love is more than that..and so, what makes me to set the mind was.. “Can we just simply abide the rule that Allah has given to us?” That was my point of view then,. Can we just respect our parents and women should have pride that she shouldn’t chase a man and confess and put all of the efforts as if man shouldn’t do a thing?
How about a man passion on getting his love for his girl?



By law of love, all of us need back to Allah, because He is the one whom created us and no matter how hard you love someone, they are belong to Allah. Not “you belong with me” just like Taylor said. So, my intention in that book was like, pray.
Pray that one day, your doa is heard by Allah and I still believed in true love. Just like Nabi Adam was despair when he lose Siti hawa. However, true love must be gain by perseverance of the attitude. Religion is not all about of the ibadah, it’s the way of our life. How can we raise a child when we are still have no idea on getting peace between us? All about arguments?



I was inspired by my kakak jiran back then, it was her story I tell yaa. Haha. She was fifteen, and she should concern on her studies, not a man. That was I thought, so I wrote this forbidden love and I spiced it up with dramatic arguments and poverty. Yes poverty my friend, siap miskin papa kedana taw ending dia! Ohhoo.
Moreover, to create a dramatic scene, Haryati managed to build up an empire of business just like Oshin did when Oshin was younger and before her business ruptured in Osaka after World War II and she build it back from scratch!
Somehow the love story made my girl friends were quite hypnotized with the fake happiness and decided on dating after finish the studies. I must take credit on that, but I got many complaints on the ending.. but.. uhh. Who cares then..
Love is love. Love isn’t lust.



Prof Hamka inspired me to be a writer, a reader and so I’m very moved by every single thing that he did. He was an author for Lambaian cinta Kaabah too, and also Tenggelamnya Kapal Van DerWijck. His book collections are more than that, you can find it on the internet but when I flashed back the moments that I was a school girl, my dream was to build the happiness. I am the one who can get very attached to the people and moments, and It was very hard for me to not to rely on that thing and moved on. Clearly I set in my mind that happiness isn’t for forever. I may have a perfect guy dating on me right now, but once Allah take it back. Am I able to move on and be grateful for what He had given me after all?
ISN'T IT PRETTY?

Women must be empower of the love insights. By knowing the Allah’s love and whenever He is taking back what belongs to Him. We should be able to move further in our lives. Till then. 

Monday, December 26, 2016

Aku cinta allah.aku sayang Allah

Aku tak nafikan naluri aku dan kerana aku sedar aku mgkn tak mampu ikut sunnah Rasulullah agar tiba masanya utk aku berkahwin utk menyempurnakan Agama. Aku mohon supaya Allah mengampuni dosa aku.

Usia dan waktu yg aku ada skg bukan utk aku. Tapi utk agama utk islam, untuk ummah, untuk mak. Untuk kebaikan.

Ilmu, ada satu2 nya jalan supaya aku terus berbakti ke arah kebaikan.

Aku mohon supaya aku mati di dalam kebaikan.

Aku punya impian yg besar, matlamat yg jelas, namun tak terungkai. Aku andaikan aku punya peluang, tapi aku masih perlu lebih berkerja keras.

Duit dan harta kalau dikurniakan Allah. Itu bukan utk aku. Utk aku hanyalah sekadar apa yg cukup demi kelangsungan hidup.

Aku dah biasa hidup susah. Aku tak malu tolak mak ber wheel chair ke kenduri kawen kawan aku. Aku tak malu. Aku tak malu tunjuk kpd kawan2 aku yg.. Ya tu lah rumah sewa aku dan mak. Aku tak malu kalau2 lelaki minat dkt aku, utk mengaku yg hidup aku serba kurang. Aku tak malu kalau org kata aku susah. Aku tak sedih kalau lelaki yg yg aku minat itu pergi. Krn aku lebih cinta Allah dpd dia.

Aku pernah tempuh waktu2 yg mmg ckp mencabar. Aku menangis. Aku sedih. Tapi, aku cakap pada Allah. Moga ini jalan ke syurga.

Aku sayang Allah. Aku sayang Rasulullah. Aku syg para anbia. Aku sayang para sahabat. Aku sayang ahli keluarga mereka.

Moga2 nanti, aku berpeluang utk jumpa Nabiyullah. Jjmpa Saudina Rasulullah. Jjmpa saidina hamzah, jumpa suhaib, Abu hurairah, Abu Bakar As siqqid, saidatina aisha. Siti maryam, nabi isa. Semuanya.

Insyaallah.

Tempatkan kami semua di syurga Mu Ya Allah.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Talking To Myself Part 2

Talking To Myself Part 2
It’s a confession actually. Since, I have no one talk to something so fragile topic like this. I often found that it is so disturbing whenever I try to explain that WHY I am getting older yet have no one to be my soulmate.
Its so disturbing. Really. Just imagine a simple situation that u want to tell ur close friend that this morning u had a headache. Ur imagining that ur friend would console u, would take an ointment, apply to ur forehead, u’ll have some chit chat and laugh and enjoy that moment. Ur imagine of that. But. It happens the other way.
The real situation is, ur friend would nag at you and be so harsh and telling to others that ur not doing good.
That what happens to me.
And that’s why I don’t tell you why I keep my life as privacy. I don’t want people to hurt me. I just want to live peaceful and have serenity. Is that so? Yes my dear!
At this age, I know that I’m not young anymore and I’m not getting younger, but I have to admit that I couldn’t be just if only I have mom in law and my own mom.
People kept bothering me… “bila nak kawen bila nak kawen?????” . and some of them would make fun of me till I cry.
Since I was a kid, I am the last one in my family, when I am the youngest, I used to think that I’m a black ship in a family. My sister got bicycle and had those moments raya with friends. My brothers always raya raya with their frinds. While I was struggling in kitchen, washing dishes. Cook, sometimes I didn’t cook well, so mak was so furious,she’s a bit fussy and meticulous when it comes to house chores but she’s a loving mom .. she nagged at me till night and I cry whole night. Its just so sad whenever my brain flashback that moment and even to type this. My tears burst all of sudden. No, I didn’t have beautiful moments with kawan2 when I was in school. I had very little friends, and till now I don’t have many friends. My time is so strict to work, to attend my class, to take care of my angel. I actually have many unfavorable memoirs and I already delete them. Its just sometimes, I dunno why I can reflect it back.
I actually pray that all time that I would meet Rasulullah and para sahabat and their families. I love them and I just want to be part of them. That’s why I keep on struggling in this life without even complain and whine.
All of my pain, all of my despair.. I hope it’ll vanish when I can smell the paradise and think of that. I am strong.
Hmmm I’m good. I don’t want u to be sad to read this post, I just wanna to explain why I’m writing this. I’m not mad, I’m not isolating myself. I just want to tell you why. Boleh?
First of all, I want to introduce this incredible man. He is ustaz ebit liew….
Tadaaa!!!!!
I used to listen to his talk, motivasi pagi on ikim on 7.30am. Its soooooo refreshing and I would smile all my way to the office. He’s so incredible I tell yahhhh!!
He normally would start with this ayat..
nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu wa na'oodhu billahi min shuroori anfusinaa wa min sayyi-aati a'maalinaa; man yahdillahu falaa mudilla lah, wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lah; wa ash-hadu allaa ilaaha illa Allahu wahdahu laa shareeka lah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhu wa rasooluh”
(Verily all praise is for Allah, we praise Him and seek His aid and ask for His forgiveness and we seek refuge with Allah from the evils of ourselves and our evil actions. Whomever Allah guides there is none who can misguide him, and whomever Allah misguides there is none who can guide him, and I bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah alone, having no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and His Messenger).

After that, he’ll start whatever topic that he chose.
But to tell you that, the way he recites the doa really captivates me, before this I used to listen Ustaz syed nor hisham bin tuan padang. Yeke nama dia cm ni.. I guess so. He’s the one who made me more and more fallen in love with the para sahabat. It makes my heart fluttering whenever I listen to their names. Ok, back to the point.
(and why I’m using English as a medium to post this article. Ewwah artikel kawwww. Hahah. I love writing, so I just wanna practice and I don’t want the vocab as well as grammar lose as I don’t speak in English with my friends anymore. I am no longer speak in English right now. So I just don’t wanna it end up there. Actually I already forgotten many idioms that I used to speak before. sayang kan??)
Ustaz ebit not only gave his talk, but he also teaches me how to speak. I mean, to speak modestly towards people with better adab and better akhlak.
I didn’t realized before until I found that..i am no longer speak like before. I mean, how to confront with ur emotions and how to control them and ur dealing with people at the same time..
And I’m trying to express on this post.
Let me begin with my intentions if I’ve fated to have someone that I can call him as a husband. First of all, I want someone who can realize his own responsibility. Even though he knows that I can be independent, but deep in my heart. I don’t want someone that act ignorant and let me all alone. Even that I can manage my own financial management, even I have my car.. I just don’t want that I am taking for disgranted. Its like why should I marry with the mamee monster?
Ustaz ebit used to say “kita nak kawen, kita nak bahagia, kita nak berkasih saying, kita nak cerita pasal Nabi, kita nak ikut jejak langkah dia..lahirkan keturunan soleh solehah” Haaa tapi part last tu aku tambah…haaaa
And the other reason is, all I can say is.. This is the major one. Why I keep on insisting that I am okey if I don’t get married.
I have an angel. And I’m blissful to be chosen as a daughter that can take care of my mom and be her guardian. Emak saya sakit strok, mak saya tak mcm mak org lain. Nak mandi, nak makan, semua tu saya y gurus. Masa wal sakit dulu, lagi.. sy yg basuhkan najis, sy yg inject dia, sy lah semuanya smpi dia selalu menangis sbb dia tak mampu nak basuh najis sendiri. Lately, I guess Allah really understand how my situation is, my can manage to go to toilet on her own. Alhamdulillah.
But, my biggest concern dont end up there. My biggest concern is I cant be just.. like I said before. I know that I wouldn’t have the possibility to take care of my mom, husband and his mom too. I have only 24 hours. I have a commitment for my studies, I have biggest commitment with my mom. How can I even add more the responsibilities at this moment?
Penat mak dia lahirkan anak sesoleh dia, penat mak dia jaga dia waktu dia kecil2 dlu, penat mak dia sekolah kan dia.. Tiba waktu, dia jaga isteri dia, mak mentua dia lebih dpd dia jaga mak dia.. I don’t want his mom would have the pain like how I am imagining right now. His mom would be there whenever he was weak, he was a kid. Bila dah besar,takkanlah nak lebihkan isteri dgn mak mentua kan… walaupon dia tau isteri dia boleh buat sendiri, tapi semua tu susah nak bayangkan kalua semua tu jadi reality. Do you got what I mean?
So this is the reason why I kept on refusing to them when they asked to get to know me. These are the reasons and I hope ur okay with that. Thank you.



 Talking To Myself Part 2
It’s a confession actually. Since, I have no one talk to something so fragile topic like this. I often found that it is so disturbing whenever I try to explain that WHY I am getting older yet have no one to be my soulmate.
Its so disturbing. Really. Just imagine a simple situation that u want to tell ur close friend that this morning u had a headache. Ur imagining that ur friend would console u, would take an ointment, apply to ur forehead, u’ll have some chit chat and laugh and enjoy that moment. Ur imagine of that. But. It happens the other way.
The real situation is, ur friend would nag at you and be so harsh and telling to others that ur not doing good.
That what happens to me.
And that’s why I don’t tell you why I keep my life as privacy. I don’t want people to hurt me. I just want to live peaceful and have serenity. Is that so? Yes my dear!
At this age, I know that I’m not young anymore and I’m not getting younger, but I have to admit that I couldn’t be just if only I have mom in law and my own mom.
People kept bothering me… “bila nak kawen bila nak kawen?????” . and some of them would make fun of me till I cry.
Since I was a kid, I am the last one in my family, when I am the youngest, I used to think that I’m a black ship in a family. My sister got bicycle and had those moments raya with friends. My brothers always raya raya with their frinds. While I was struggling in kitchen, washing dishes. Cook, sometimes I didn’t cook well, so mak was so furious,she’s a bit fussy and meticulous when it comes to house chores but she’s a loving mom .. she nagged at me till night and I cry whole night. Its just so sad whenever my brain flashback that moment and even to type this. My tears burst all of sudden. No, I didn’t have beautiful moments with kawan2 when I was in school. I had very little friends, and till now I don’t have many friends. My time is so strict to work, to attend my class, to take care of my angel. I actually have many unfavorable memoirs and I already delete them. Its just sometimes, I dunno why I can reflect it back.
I actually pray that all time that I would meet Rasulullah and para sahabat and their families. I love them and I just want to be part of them. That’s why I keep on struggling in this life without even complain and whine.
All of my pain, all of my despair.. I hope it’ll vanish when I can smell the paradise and think of that. I am strong.
Hmmm I’m good. I don’t want u to be sad to read this post, I just wanna to explain why I’m writing this. I’m not mad, I’m not isolating myself. I just want to tell you why. Boleh?
First of all, I want to introduce this incredible man. He is ustaz ebit liew….
Tadaaa!!!!!
I used to listen to his talk, motivasi pagi on ikim on 7.30am. Its soooooo refreshing and I would smile all my way to the office. He’s so incredible I tell yahhhh!!
He normally would start with this ayat..
nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu wa na'oodhu billahi min shuroori anfusinaa wa min sayyi-aati a'maalinaa; man yahdillahu falaa mudilla lah, wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lah; wa ash-hadu allaa ilaaha illa Allahu wahdahu laa shareeka lah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhu wa rasooluh”
(Verily all praise is for Allah, we praise Him and seek His aid and ask for His forgiveness and we seek refuge with Allah from the evils of ourselves and our evil actions. Whomever Allah guides there is none who can misguide him, and whomever Allah misguides there is none who can guide him, and I bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah alone, having no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and His Messenger).

After that, he’ll start whatever topic that he chose.
But to tell you that, the way he recites the doa really captivates me, before this I used to listen Ustaz syed nor hisham bin tuan padang. Yeke nama dia cm ni.. I guess so. He’s the one who made me more and more fallen in love with the para sahabat. It makes my heart fluttering whenever I listen to their names. Ok, back to the point.
(and why I’m using English as a medium to post this article. Ewwah artikel kawwww. Hahah. I love writing, so I just wanna practice and I don’t want the vocab as well as grammar lose as I don’t speak in English with my friends anymore. I am no longer speak in English right now. So I just don’t wanna it end up there. Actually I already forgotten many idioms that I used to speak before. sayang kan??)
Ustaz ebit not only gave his talk, but he also teaches me how to speak. I mean, to speak modestly towards people with better adab and better akhlak.
I didn’t realized before until I found that..i am no longer speak like before. I mean, how to confront with ur emotions and how to control them and ur dealing with people at the same time..
And I’m trying to express on this post.
Let me begin with my intentions if I’ve fated to have someone that I can call him as a husband. First of all, I want someone who can realize his own responsibility. Even though he knows that I can be independent, but deep in my heart. I don’t want someone that act ignorant and let me all alone. Even that I can manage my own financial management, even I have my car.. I just don’t want that I am taking for disgranted. Its like why should I marry with the mamee monster?
Ustaz ebit used to say “kita nak kawen, kita nak bahagia, kita nak berkasih saying, kita nak cerita pasal Nabi, kita nak ikut jejak langkah dia..lahirkan keturunan soleh solehah” Haaa tapi part last tu aku tambah…haaaa
And the other reason is, all I can say is.. This is the major one. Why I keep on insisting that I am okey if I don’t get married.
I have an angel. And I’m blissful to be chosen as a daughter that can take care of my mom and be her guardian. Emak saya sakit strok, mak saya tak mcm mak org lain. Nak mandi, nak makan, semua tu saya y gurus. Masa wal sakit dulu, lagi.. sy yg basuhkan najis, sy yg inject dia, sy lah semuanya smpi dia selalu menangis sbb dia tak mampu nak basuh najis sendiri. Lately, I guess Allah really understand how my situation is, my can manage to go to toilet on her own. Alhamdulillah.
But, my biggest concern dont end up there. My biggest concern is I cant be just.. like I said before. I know that I wouldn’t have the possibility to take care of my mom, husband and his mom too. I have only 24 hours. I have a commitment for my studies, I have biggest commitment with my mom. How can I even add more the responsibilities at this moment?
Penat mak dia lahirkan anak sesoleh dia, penat mak dia jaga dia waktu dia kecil2 dlu, penat mak dia sekolah kan dia.. Tiba waktu, dia jaga isteri dia, mak mentua dia lebih dpd dia jaga mak dia.. I don’t want his mom would have the pain like how I am imagining right now. His mom would be there whenever he was weak, he was a kid. Bila dah besar,takkanlah nak lebihkan isteri dgn mak mentua kan… walaupon dia tau isteri dia boleh buat sendiri, tapi semua tu susah nak bayangkan kalua semua tu jadi reality. Do you got what I mean?
So this is the reason why I kept on refusing to them when they asked to get to know me. These are the reasons and I hope ur okay with that. Thank you.


 Talking To Myself Part 2
It’s a confession actually. Since, I have no one talk to something so fragile topic like this. I often found that it is so disturbing whenever I try to explain that WHY I am getting older yet have no one to be my soulmate.
Its so disturbing. Really. Just imagine a simple situation that u want to tell ur close friend that this morning u had a headache. Ur imagining that ur friend would console u, would take an ointment, apply to ur forehead, u’ll have some chit chat and laugh and enjoy that moment. Ur imagine of that. But. It happens the other way.
The real situation is, ur friend would nag at you and be so harsh and telling to others that ur not doing good.
That what happens to me.
And that’s why I don’t tell you why I keep my life as privacy. I don’t want people to hurt me. I just want to live peaceful and have serenity. Is that so? Yes my dear!
At this age, I know that I’m not young anymore and I’m not getting younger, but I have to admit that I couldn’t be just if only I have mom in law and my own mom.
People kept bothering me… “bila nak kawen bila nak kawen?????” . and some of them would make fun of me till I cry.
Since I was a kid, I am the last one in my family, when I am the youngest, I used to think that I’m a black ship in a family. My sister got bicycle and had those moments raya with friends. My brothers always raya raya with their frinds. While I was struggling in kitchen, washing dishes. Cook, sometimes I didn’t cook well, so mak was so furious,she’s a bit fussy and meticulous when it comes to house chores but she’s a loving mom .. she nagged at me till night and I cry whole night. Its just so sad whenever my brain flashback that moment and even to type this. My tears burst all of sudden. No, I didn’t have beautiful moments with kawan2 when I was in school. I had very little friends, and till now I don’t have many friends. My time is so strict to work, to attend my class, to take care of my angel. I actually have many unfavorable memoirs and I already delete them. Its just sometimes, I dunno why I can reflect it back.
I actually pray that all time that I would meet Rasulullah and para sahabat and their families. I love them and I just want to be part of them. That’s why I keep on struggling in this life without even complain and whine.
All of my pain, all of my despair.. I hope it’ll vanish when I can smell the paradise and think of that. I am strong.
Hmmm I’m good. I don’t want u to be sad to read this post, I just wanna to explain why I’m writing this. I’m not mad, I’m not isolating myself. I just want to tell you why. Boleh?
First of all, I want to introduce this incredible man. He is ustaz ebit liew….
Tadaaa!!!!!

I used to listen to his talk, motivasi pagi on ikim on 7.30am. Its soooooo refreshing and I would smile all my way to the office. He’s so incredible I tell yahhhh!!
He normally would start with this ayat..
nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu wa na'oodhu billahi min shuroori anfusinaa wa min sayyi-aati a'maalinaa; man yahdillahu falaa mudilla lah, wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lah; wa ash-hadu allaa ilaaha illa Allahu wahdahu laa shareeka lah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhu wa rasooluh”
(Verily all praise is for Allah, we praise Him and seek His aid and ask for His forgiveness and we seek refuge with Allah from the evils of ourselves and our evil actions. Whomever Allah guides there is none who can misguide him, and whomever Allah misguides there is none who can guide him, and I bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah alone, having no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and His Messenger).

After that, he’ll start whatever topic that he chose.
But to tell you that, the way he recites the doa really captivates me, before this I used to listen Ustaz syed nor hisham bin tuan padang. Yeke nama dia cm ni.. I guess so. He’s the one who made me more and more fallen in love with the para sahabat. It makes my heart fluttering whenever I listen to their names. Ok, back to the point.
(and why I’m using English as a medium to post this article. Ewwah artikel kawwww. Hahah. I love writing, so I just wanna practice and I don’t want the vocab as well as grammar lose as I don’t speak in English with my friends anymore. I am no longer speak in English right now. So I just don’t wanna it end up there. Actually I already forgotten many idioms that I used to speak before. sayang kan??)
Ustaz ebit not only gave his talk, but he also teaches me how to speak. I mean, to speak modestly towards people with better adab and better akhlak.
I didn’t realized before until I found that..i am no longer speak like before. I mean, how to confront with ur emotions and how to control them and ur dealing with people at the same time..
And I’m trying to express on this post.
Let me begin with my intentions if I’ve fated to have someone that I can call him as a husband. First of all, I want someone who can realize his own responsibility. Even though he knows that I can be independent, but deep in my heart. I don’t want someone that act ignorant and let me all alone. Even that I can manage my own financial management, even I have my car.. I just don’t want that I am taking for disgranted. Its like why should I marry with the mamee monster?
Ustaz ebit used to say “kita nak kawen, kita nak bahagia, kita nak berkasih saying, kita nak cerita pasal Nabi, kita nak ikut jejak langkah dia..lahirkan keturunan soleh solehah” Haaa tapi part last tu aku tambah…haaaa
And the other reason is, all I can say is.. This is the major one. Why I keep on insisting that I am okey if I don’t get married.
I have an angel. And I’m blissful to be chosen as a daughter that can take care of my mom and be her guardian. Emak saya sakit strok, mak saya tak mcm mak org lain. Nak mandi, nak makan, semua tu saya y gurus. Masa wal sakit dulu, lagi.. sy yg basuhkan najis, sy yg inject dia, sy lah semuanya smpi dia selalu menangis sbb dia tak mampu nak basuh najis sendiri. Lately, I guess Allah really understand how my situation is, my can manage to go to toilet on her own. Alhamdulillah.
But, my biggest concern dont end up there. My biggest concern is I cant be just.. like I said before. I know that I wouldn’t have the possibility to take care of my mom, husband and his mom too. I have only 24 hours. I have a commitment for my studies, I have biggest commitment with my mom. How can I even add more the responsibilities at this moment?
Penat mak dia lahirkan anak sesoleh dia, penat mak dia jaga dia waktu dia kecil2 dlu, penat mak dia sekolah kan dia.. Tiba waktu, dia jaga isteri dia, mak mentua dia lebih dpd dia jaga mak dia.. I don’t want his mom would have the pain like how I am imagining right now. His mom would be there whenever he was weak, he was a kid. Bila dah besar,takkanlah nak lebihkan isteri dgn mak mentua kan… walaupon dia tau isteri dia boleh buat sendiri, tapi semua tu susah nak bayangkan kalua semua tu jadi reality. Do you got what I mean?
So this is the reason why I kept on refusing to them when they asked to get to know me. These are the reasons and I hope ur okay with that. Thank you.


 Talking To Myself Part 2
It’s a confession actually. Since, I have no one talk to something so fragile topic like this. I often found that it is so disturbing whenever I try to explain that WHY I am getting older yet have no one to be my soulmate.
Its so disturbing. Really. Just imagine a simple situation that u want to tell ur close friend that this morning u had a headache. Ur imagining that ur friend would console u, would take an ointment, apply to ur forehead, u’ll have some chit chat and laugh and enjoy that moment. Ur imagine of that. But. It happens the other way.
The real situation is, ur friend would nag at you and be so harsh and telling to others that ur not doing good.
That what happens to me.
And that’s why I don’t tell you why I keep my life as privacy. I don’t want people to hurt me. I just want to live peaceful and have serenity. Is that so? Yes my dear!
At this age, I know that I’m not young anymore and I’m not getting younger, but I have to admit that I couldn’t be just if only I have mom in law and my own mom.
People kept bothering me… “bila nak kawen bila nak kawen?????” . and some of them would make fun of me till I cry.
Since I was a kid, I am the last one in my family, when I am the youngest, I used to think that I’m a black ship in a family. My sister got bicycle and had those moments raya with friends. My brothers always raya raya with their frinds. While I was struggling in kitchen, washing dishes. Cook, sometimes I didn’t cook well, so mak was so furious,she’s a bit fussy and meticulous when it comes to house chores but she’s a loving mom .. she nagged at me till night and I cry whole night. Its just so sad whenever my brain flashback that moment and even to type this. My tears burst all of sudden. No, I didn’t have beautiful moments with kawan2 when I was in school. I had very little friends, and till now I don’t have many friends. My time is so strict to work, to attend my class, to take care of my angel. I actually have many unfavorable memoirs and I already delete them. Its just sometimes, I dunno why I can reflect it back.
I actually pray that all time that I would meet Rasulullah and para sahabat and their families. I love them and I just want to be part of them. That’s why I keep on struggling in this life without even complain and whine.
All of my pain, all of my despair.. I hope it’ll vanish when I can smell the paradise and think of that. I am strong.
Hmmm I’m good. I don’t want u to be sad to read this post, I just wanna to explain why I’m writing this. I’m not mad, I’m not isolating myself. I just want to tell you why. Boleh?
First of all, I want to introduce this incredible man. He is ustaz ebit liew….
Tadaaa!!!!!
I used to listen to his talk, motivasi pagi on ikim on 7.30am. Its soooooo refreshing and I would smile all my way to the office. He’s so incredible I tell yahhhh!!
He normally would start with this ayat..
nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu wa na'oodhu billahi min shuroori anfusinaa wa min sayyi-aati a'maalinaa; man yahdillahu falaa mudilla lah, wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lah; wa ash-hadu allaa ilaaha illa Allahu wahdahu laa shareeka lah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhu wa rasooluh”
(Verily all praise is for Allah, we praise Him and seek His aid and ask for His forgiveness and we seek refuge with Allah from the evils of ourselves and our evil actions. Whomever Allah guides there is none who can misguide him, and whomever Allah misguides there is none who can guide him, and I bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah alone, having no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and His Messenger).

After that, he’ll start whatever topic that he chose.
But to tell you that, the way he recites the doa really captivates me, before this I used to listen Ustaz syed nor hisham bin tuan padang. Yeke nama dia cm ni.. I guess so. He’s the one who made me more and more fallen in love with the para sahabat. It makes my heart fluttering whenever I listen to their names. Ok, back to the point.
(and why I’m using English as a medium to post this article. Ewwah artikel kawwww. Hahah. I love writing, so I just wanna practice and I don’t want the vocab as well as grammar lose as I don’t speak in English with my friends anymore. I am no longer speak in English right now. So I just don’t wanna it end up there. Actually I already forgotten many idioms that I used to speak before. sayang kan??)
Ustaz ebit not only gave his talk, but he also teaches me how to speak. I mean, to speak modestly towards people with better adab and better akhlak.
I didn’t realized before until I found that..i am no longer speak like before. I mean, how to confront with ur emotions and how to control them and ur dealing with people at the same time..
And I’m trying to express on this post.
Let me begin with my intentions if I’ve fated to have someone that I can call him as a husband. First of all, I want someone who can realize his own responsibility. Even though he knows that I can be independent, but deep in my heart. I don’t want someone that act ignorant and let me all alone. Even that I can manage my own financial management, even I have my car.. I just don’t want that I am taking for disgranted. Its like why should I marry with the mamee monster?
Ustaz ebit used to say “kita nak kawen, kita nak bahagia, kita nak berkasih saying, kita nak cerita pasal Nabi, kita nak ikut jejak langkah dia..lahirkan keturunan soleh solehah” Haaa tapi part last tu aku tambah…haaaa
And the other reason is, all I can say is.. This is the major one. Why I keep on insisting that I am okey if I don’t get married.
I have an angel. And I’m blissful to be chosen as a daughter that can take care of my mom and be her guardian. Emak saya sakit strok, mak saya tak mcm mak org lain. Nak mandi, nak makan, semua tu saya y gurus. Masa wal sakit dulu, lagi.. sy yg basuhkan najis, sy yg inject dia, sy lah semuanya smpi dia selalu menangis sbb dia tak mampu nak basuh najis sendiri. Lately, I guess Allah really understand how my situation is, my can manage to go to toilet on her own. Alhamdulillah.
But, my biggest concern dont end up there. My biggest concern is I cant be just.. like I said before. I know that I wouldn’t have the possibility to take care of my mom, husband and his mom too. I have only 24 hours. I have a commitment for my studies, I have biggest commitment with my mom. How can I even add more the responsibilities at this moment?
Penat mak dia lahirkan anak sesoleh dia, penat mak dia jaga dia waktu dia kecil2 dlu, penat mak dia sekolah kan dia.. Tiba waktu, dia jaga isteri dia, mak mentua dia lebih dpd dia jaga mak dia.. I don’t want his mom would have the pain like how I am imagining right now. His mom would be there whenever he was weak, he was a kid. Bila dah besar,takkanlah nak lebihkan isteri dgn mak mentua kan… walaupon dia tau isteri dia boleh buat sendiri, tapi semua tu susah nak bayangkan kalua semua tu jadi reality. Do you got what I mean?
So this is the reason why I kept on refusing to them when they asked to get to know me. These are the reasons and I hope ur okay with that. Thank you.


 Talking To Myself Part 2
It’s a confession actually. Since, I have no one talk to something so fragile topic like this. I often found that it is so disturbing whenever I try to explain that WHY I am getting older yet have no one to be my soulmate.
Its so disturbing. Really. Just imagine a simple situation that u want to tell ur close friend that this morning u had a headache. Ur imagining that ur friend would console u, would take an ointment, apply to ur forehead, u’ll have some chit chat and laugh and enjoy that moment. Ur imagine of that. But. It happens the other way.
The real situation is, ur friend would nag at you and be so harsh and telling to others that ur not doing good.
That what happens to me.
And that’s why I don’t tell you why I keep my life as privacy. I don’t want people to hurt me. I just want to live peaceful and have serenity. Is that so? Yes my dear!
At this age, I know that I’m not young anymore and I’m not getting younger, but I have to admit that I couldn’t be just if only I have mom in law and my own mom.
People kept bothering me… “bila nak kawen bila nak kawen?????” . and some of them would make fun of me till I cry.
Since I was a kid, I am the last one in my family, when I am the youngest, I used to think that I’m a black ship in a family. My sister got bicycle and had those moments raya with friends. My brothers always raya raya with their frinds. While I was struggling in kitchen, washing dishes. Cook, sometimes I didn’t cook well, so mak was so furious,she’s a bit fussy and meticulous when it comes to house chores but she’s a loving mom .. she nagged at me till night and I cry whole night. Its just so sad whenever my brain flashback that moment and even to type this. My tears burst all of sudden. No, I didn’t have beautiful moments with kawan2 when I was in school. I had very little friends, and till now I don’t have many friends. My time is so strict to work, to attend my class, to take care of my angel. I actually have many unfavorable memoirs and I already delete them. Its just sometimes, I dunno why I can reflect it back.
I actually pray that all time that I would meet Rasulullah and para sahabat and their families. I love them and I just want to be part of them. That’s why I keep on struggling in this life without even complain and whine.
All of my pain, all of my despair.. I hope it’ll vanish when I can smell the paradise and think of that. I am strong.
Hmmm I’m good. I don’t want u to be sad to read this post, I just wanna to explain why I’m writing this. I’m not mad, I’m not isolating myself. I just want to tell you why. Boleh?
First of all, I want to introduce this incredible man. He is ustaz ebit liew….
Tadaaa!!!!!
I used to listen to his talk, motivasi pagi on ikim on 7.30am. Its soooooo refreshing and I would smile all my way to the office. He’s so incredible I tell yahhhh!!
He normally would start with this ayat..
nahmaduhu wa nasta'eenuhu wa nastaghfiruhu wa na'oodhu billahi min shuroori anfusinaa wa min sayyi-aati a'maalinaa; man yahdillahu falaa mudilla lah, wa man yudlil falaa haadiya lah; wa ash-hadu allaa ilaaha illa Allahu wahdahu laa shareeka lah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan 'abduhu wa rasooluh”
(Verily all praise is for Allah, we praise Him and seek His aid and ask for His forgiveness and we seek refuge with Allah from the evils of ourselves and our evil actions. Whomever Allah guides there is none who can misguide him, and whomever Allah misguides there is none who can guide him, and I bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped except Allah alone, having no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and His Messenger).

After that, he’ll start whatever topic that he chose.
But to tell you that, the way he recites the doa really captivates me, before this I used to listen Ustaz syed nor hisham bin tuan padang. Yeke nama dia cm ni.. I guess so. He’s the one who made me more and more fallen in love with the para sahabat. It makes my heart fluttering whenever I listen to their names. Ok, back to the point.
(and why I’m using English as a medium to post this article. Ewwah artikel kawwww. Hahah. I love writing, so I just wanna practice and I don’t want the vocab as well as grammar lose as I don’t speak in English with my friends anymore. I am no longer speak in English right now. So I just don’t wanna it end up there. Actually I already forgotten many idioms that I used to speak before. sayang kan??)
Ustaz ebit not only gave his talk, but he also teaches me how to speak. I mean, to speak modestly towards people with better adab and better akhlak.
I didn’t realized before until I found that..i am no longer speak like before. I mean, how to confront with ur emotions and how to control them and ur dealing with people at the same time..
And I’m trying to express on this post.
Let me begin with my intentions if I’ve fated to have someone that I can call him as a husband. First of all, I want someone who can realize his own responsibility. Even though he knows that I can be independent, but deep in my heart. I don’t want someone that act ignorant and let me all alone. Even that I can manage my own financial management, even I have my car.. I just don’t want that I am taking for disgranted. Its like why should I marry with the mamee monster?
Ustaz ebit used to say “kita nak kawen, kita nak bahagia, kita nak berkasih saying, kita nak cerita pasal Nabi, kita nak ikut jejak langkah dia..lahirkan keturunan soleh solehah” Haaa tapi part last tu aku tambah…haaaa
And the other reason is, all I can say is.. This is the major one. Why I keep on insisting that I am okey if I don’t get married.
I have an angel. And I’m blissful to be chosen as a daughter that can take care of my mom and be her guardian. Emak saya sakit strok, mak saya tak mcm mak org lain. Nak mandi, nak makan, semua tu saya y gurus. Masa wal sakit dulu, lagi.. sy yg basuhkan najis, sy yg inject dia, sy lah semuanya smpi dia selalu menangis sbb dia tak mampu nak basuh najis sendiri. Lately, I guess Allah really understand how my situation is, my can manage to go to toilet on her own. Alhamdulillah.
But, my biggest concern dont end up there. My biggest concern is I cant be just.. like I said before. I know that I wouldn’t have the possibility to take care of my mom, husband and his mom too. I have only 24 hours. I have a commitment for my studies, I have biggest commitment with my mom. How can I even add more the responsibilities at this moment?
Penat mak dia lahirkan anak sesoleh dia, penat mak dia jaga dia waktu dia kecil2 dlu, penat mak dia sekolah kan dia.. Tiba waktu, dia jaga isteri dia, mak mentua dia lebih dpd dia jaga mak dia.. I don’t want his mom would have the pain like how I am imagining right now. His mom would be there whenever he was weak, he was a kid. Bila dah besar,takkanlah nak lebihkan isteri dgn mak mentua kan… walaupon dia tau isteri dia boleh buat sendiri, tapi semua tu susah nak bayangkan kalua semua tu jadi reality. Do you got what I mean?
So this is the reason why I kept on refusing to them when they asked to get to know me. These are the reasons and I hope ur okay with that. Thank you.



Friday, November 25, 2016

Allah really grant my wish.

Alhamdulillah. What can beat anything beside than this?

Whenever i'm sick, He is the one who cure me. 

Allah proclaim that we must seek His help, through prayers.

Subhanallah. He grant my wish in a blink of the eye.

My mom had a strong fever on yesterday, and i've been so lethargic since 2 to 3 months before. Last night,all of sudden my neck got sprained and it really hurts. I didn't sleep well actually. That's why I get terrible headache and people might wonder how did I drive. It's the blessing of Allah, that I did well and had no accident. Almost, yes. Many times before. But,..it wasn't my fault.

Its like a magic that Coldplay used to sing with zhang zi yi.

I did my last sujud for zohor prayer just now and i said "Bismillah. Ya Allah Although i'm not in front of kaabah,although i'm not the pious one. I know that u are near, please cure me and please let me have Your blessing of health. I want to strive in this world and no one can replace mg position. I'm afraid that will leave my mother all alone"

And when I stood up, which normally my head will spinning like a washing machine. It all gone!!!!

Subhanallah. I can't imagine this kind of feeling.

I always thinking that I have to pray in front of kaabah and asked Allah to get rid of this illness.

It's really a blessing Ya Rabb.

*I'm crying. *I'm telling you that I really am.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Talking to myself. Part 1.

I try to figure out that at this age. How can i capture this beautiful journey, and when i'm a lil bit older. I can tell to my future anak2, to teach them to dream and turn the possible things.

*To have pretty son, daughter*
I always dream to have you that can light up my life, and be my best friend when I get old and lonely. Your nekwan always asked me to get married with 'someone' but I can't find any right guy for me. Then she bought a set of furniture, complete with mattress, sliding mirror. Hmm. Turns out, she is the one who sleep on that room okeh.

It is you sayang, that whenever I read the chapter of obedience of Nabi Ismail & his father. I cry and I hope, pray that I can do my best to obey my parents. And I hope I'll do the same. Don't raise up ur voice, or else I would sad and take the kunci kereta and run. Or smack u down. How dare u be respectful! Ohhoo. Even though, I admit that when I was younger, I was such a rebellious daughter, and I regret that even now that I always stand by my mom and cherish her all the time. I still regret, bcz I know she had that scar. And I hope u wouldn't do that to me. Bcz I know, I'm not a perfect daughter. Please don't disregard my dream. I don't want u to be a top score in school or in Uni. I just hope that ur heart is full of love and gaining knowledge not to please the others, but to please Allah. I hope that u'll take my dream seriously on mastering the Arabic language. I'm learning, so that I can teach all of you and all of u must must must think and do something for the ummah!

Where I can find ur daddy huh?

Where he has been?

Why he hasn't show up?

Lembap ke apa bapak korang ni?!

*The hope is high, the efforts is tremendous*

I know deep down inside myself. I'm not good enough. to be a good mother. Good ummi. Even be a good daughter, I'm still struggling like.. Hmm dunno lah. My friends are all married, getting married. But it doesn't bothers me. As long as I know, the patience of waiting you, that will grow as an incredible young boy, great grown up girl. I'll wait.

It's just that I seem ignorant to guys and whenever they smile or smirk. I try my best to avoid that. They think that I'm arrogant or somehow, ehh ko ingat no cantik? I found that it scares me when guys looking me that way and seriously I just wanna smack them really hard. I have a sense that i'm pretty or not, i dunno lah. But for sure is, i'm so typical Malay that got no sharp nose or hot kebaboomm. It actually makes me confuse,.so to end the confusion, i'll end the sparks and focus on myself. I'm not good to start it up. Never.

I'm gonna text myself later whenever I think of my dream to have you. Bye!