Living in what perception.

So yesterday, i did something bad.

Sebenarnya, aku pon pelik..In what perception that people used to call me someone that can inspire others?

Dira letak nama anak dia 'aishah', in commemorating my strengths katanya. Wan kama letak nama anak dia aishah, akak tgkt 12, i already forget her name, letak aishah too. Akak nak dia jd mcm awak.

No. its derived from saidatina aishah. siti aishah is no one. But i just kept quite.  

I get so overwhelmed by mom's emotion. That's what i've been telling my closed friends that, i'm so afraid of my ending. 

Can u imagine that i'll die in tragic ways after struggling so hard to cope with everything and at last. I got none...? 

That's the problem. That's the problem. People used to have kind of perception that i am doing so well everytime. Jaga mak sakit ini, bukan senang. I have to handle housechores, my assignments, exams, urut mak setiap kali dia sakit, oh that's not include that she got sick all of sudden at 1 am okeyyy... I have to standby all the time. 

So, penat. YYYEEEESS penat. 

But, i'm telling myself each time that i got hurt. Allah is with me all the time. 

But, emotion is disastrous. 

If ur telling me that i got no friends. Yeah, sort of. I made them vanish in their own way, so i have only few closed friends. But, they got no idea of my kind of tribulation. I am the one who laugh a lot, made silly, stupid jokes all the time. 

I'm not telling that i'm exhausted and wanted to run from this. 

I'm just afraid what is my ending. 

Syaitan boleh swing aku in split of seconds. Just like that. 

Because people doesnt know my struggle, and they judge. So, i made a decision to meet psychiatrist. 

and i did. 

So, he (my doctor) said that.. dont do this alone. Ur not alone. 

Well, in physical state, u can see i'm all alone. I'm dying of this. 

But, actually i'm not. saya cuma menunggu masa bila pertolongan Allah tiba. Iman bergoncang dan jiwa meronta. 

ok, tu saja. i'm sick of this. this feeling is so overwhelmed.